I am a masochist.
I was known in the kink scene as a “heavy bottom”. I loved pain and could take a lot of it.
So what does this have to do with narcolepsy?
The first time I experienced cataplexy while playing, I just went limp standing up, leaning against the St. Andrew’s Cross, my restraints holding me strong upright. My top noticed and stopped everything instantly, checking in with me, worried at my lack of response. We had pushed harder than ever before, and I had been enjoying it. I hadn’t exactly wanted him to stop, but I wouldn’t have been able to safeword if he had kept pushing. This strange paralysis seemed a direct response to prodding the high end of my pain threshold.
I sought out advice from a leader in the community, and the evaluation was that I was experiencing “emotional shock.” I was definitely playing with fire, but my opinion was that it could be fun to play with fire (I followed Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Going forward, I informed my play partners that I might “check out” while playing, and how to care for me if it happened, as well as whether or not they could continue after I “checked out.”
Often after the paralysis set in, my top would ramp up the pain a bit and I would “break out” of being frozen, and be filled with adrenaline. I craved this sensation; it felt spiritual. Sometimes I would even dream I was communicating with gods. After playing, I’d stumble away, dripping sweat and groggy, and curl up next to my top and rest in silence for some time while I returned to earth, after which we would discuss the shared experience.
On the nights I played, I would drive 40 minutes home, sometimes as late as 2am. I had a very close call almost exactly two years ago, when the snowfall was as heavy as my eyelids and my lead foot, and a car cut me off and I was nearly hit by semi and ended up facing the wrong way down the highway.
When I think about playing again, knowing what I do now, I wonder, will there ever be a point at which cataplexy would not be an inherent risk? And is it a risk I am willing to take, even without intentionally triggering cataplexy? The problem is that this goes beyond “no safewords.” This goes into the realm of “safewords medically impossible.” That is questionable to me on some deeper level. I’ll either need to come to terms with a new level of edge play, or I’ll need to seriously reconsider what my future holds in terms of kink.