Habitus

When they asked me for my weight
As I entered the scan
I hesitated.
I didn’t want to number me.
I could’ve been dying.
I gave them my number.
They took it.
My stomach twisted.
They told me that I was ok.
They didn’t know why my heart raced
Why my chest tightened.
I was going to be okay.
Go home.
The email came two days later.
Passive. Automatic.
“You’ve got a result.”
I look. I always look.
“FINDINGS:
Examination technically suboptimal
due to the patient’s body habitus.
Within the stated limitation
the mediastinal, hilar and axillary structures
are unremarkable.
There is no definitive evidence
for pulmonary embolism…”
For a moment
For the space between my (too fast) heartbeats.
I lost faith.
For is it not the technology
That has failed my body?
Was it not for bodies
That this technology was formed?
Is it not the medicine
That has failed my body?
Was it not for bodies
That this medicine was made?
Is it that my body,
At my number
Was deemed unworthy?
A body’s worth cannot be measured.
There can be no number
For my body is infinite.
Even as it dies it becomes.
My body is not obsolete.
Mara Passio
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