Heavy thoughts tonight and they aren’t of Snow White

This a non-narcolepsy post and is a response to:  http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2015/11/10/the-righteous-rage-of-margaret-cho/

My philosophy is, “murder the rapist in your mind so you stop killing yourself.” I’ve seen, in my lifetime, that sexual abuse has turned into self-abuse. When I kill the rapist inside of me, I will stop killing myself.

I want to murder my abuser. I want to cleanse myself of him. I’ve never been the kind of person to fantasize about harming another person, and I’ve never gotten to the point where I thought about how I would kill my abuser. If I could wish upon him a heart attack, though, I would in an instant. Without hesitation.

I’ve never viewed it before as him being inside me though. I’ve always viewed it as him being an outside force that is just constantly present around me, suffocating me, like a bag over my head. But when I look at what she writes, I realize he is inside me, because I let him in, over a year ago, and I want him to die because I’d rid myself of his influence.

I recently started thinking about moving to a new city, and I still think it’s a good idea, but part of the reason I wanted to, was to escape him, escape the memories and the fear and the possibility of meeting someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows him. I want to exterminate him from my life because I cannot exterminate him from the planet.

In the video, there’s a group of girls and women who are learning to fight and are chasing down their rapist. I want a team. I want a team of powerful women who’ve survived hells like mine and who can teach me how to survive. I feel like, despite my many traumas, I am still a novice survivor. More victim.

I am killing myself with self-abuse and neglect. I don’t consider myself worth caring for because he didn’t consider me worth caring about. I need to destroy the abuserv that has remained in my head, that I didn’t even realize was there. I need to destroy my abuser turned inward. I need to take my bag off of my own head.

Mara Passio
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