Long after he left me for good, I’ve spoken with him. I’ve cried on his shoulder, long after I knew that would never happen again. I’ve lain in bed with him in a home he never entered.
These visions became a torment I did not understand. I called them flashbacks. But I was not reliving traumas, not exactly. I was living new traumas, or new versions of old traumas, and I didn’t understand how it could be possible.
I began to fear the space between sleep and wake. A space I didn’t realize not everyone even experienced. Before and after sleep I’d lay my head on his shoulder again and listen to the horrible things he thought of me. As I’d slowly fade into full sleep, I’d absorb his words and feel his chest rising and falling under my cheek.
Sometimes even I wouldn’t realize I was in the space between. I’d have terror-filled visions on my commute home of him getting on the train and casually standing beside me, ignoring me but invading my safety nonetheless.
When I consider my recovery from the gaslighting I experienced at his hands, I think – I know – that these unwelcome visions just furthered the gaslighting for me. The purpose of gaslighting is to convince the victim that they are insane, and I truly believed that, if I hadn’t been insane before I met him, I was absolutely insane after. I believed he had caused me to detach from reality.
Thinking about these times makes me so angry. I think about how, if I had only known that I had narcolepsy, if Ihad only known, I might have been able to make peace with these horrific visions. At least I would have known that he had not succeeded in driving me mad. It would have helped to know that what I was experiencing was not a result of anything he’d done to me, but a result of a neurological condition. Sure, I was probably hallucinating him in particular due to PTSD from the abuse at his hands, but the hallucinations themselves were not caused by his torment.
I fear constantly, though, to this day, that I will be visited by him again. I still see him, on occasion. I still fall asleep sometimes convinced I am wrapped in his arms. Sometimes I myself can’t tell the difference between a flashback and a hallucination, because sometimes I can’t remember if something had happened before or not. Narcolepsy has blurred the lines of reality in my post-traumatic stress disorder, and that is a terrifying fact to behold.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a life where I know I’ll never see him again, even in my dreams. On a level I am resigned to it, and on another level, I am angry, incredibly angry, and afraid. I feel helpless against the half-sleeping dreams that plague me, and I do not know if I will ever be free.