You know I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after having been diagnosed with depression for six years. This change in psychiatric diagnosis is coming on the eve of my narcolepsy diagnosis.

When I recently changed psychiatrists and described my symptoms to her, and mentioned that I was only recently diagnosed as bipolar, she looked at me in disbelief. “It took them this long to figure out?” I have periods of intense sensation seeking, hyperfocus, and impulsive spending, drinking, and sexual behavior, followed by periods of catatonia and depression. The problem? During the periods that could easily be described as “manic” by what I just described, I still slept. I always could sleep.

Now, I would sleep less, mind you, closer to seven hours a night instead of, say, twelve at night plus a few hours in naps. But that didn’t seem to be enough difference for my doctors to say definitively that what I was experiencing wasn’t some sort of impulsive attempt to drag myself out of depression. This was not helped by the fact that I often experience mixed episodes, where I feel both extremely upset but extremely high energy at the same time.

The fact that this disorder went untreated for six years, and instead was treated as depression, was the primary reason why I was viewed as a difficult patient. I was clearly motivated to get better, and would improve while inpatient in the psychiatric hospital, when I had very few stressors and could sleep when I needed to and had a very concrete schedule. However, the real world is not like an inpatient facility. And I was neither on the medications nor the treatment plan to help me deal with that.

I’ve been inpatient at psychiatric hospitals a total of eight times. Every time, their solution to my problems was to put me on more antidepressants and old school antipsychotics like Risperdal and Haldol. Risperdal helped my symptoms a bit, but made me sleep more than ever, and I begged my doctor to take me off of it. Haldol I was on for several years to little effect, until I developed tremors and had to be taken off of it.

I came to perceive myself as untreatable, as someone who, no matter how hard I tried, was just impossible to help. No one seemed able to understand why I would suddenly want to kill myself, and why hours later I’d have no desire to die, but instead to eat everything in sight. No one understood why for a month I’d not want to get out of bed and then suddenly I’d start spending all my money on art supplies for projects I’d come up with at one in the morning. Everyone was at a loss, and I just thought I was a hopeless mess.

Looking back at all of this, it’s clear to me that I had bipolar disorder, but hindsight is 20/20. What frustrates me is the fact that one single element, the fact that I could sleep during manias, was so important to diagnosis, that I was rendered undiagnosable and thus untreatable. Now, my doctors understand that I have narcolepsy and I can, in fact, sleep most times, regardless, and that the intense difference in the amount of sleep is notable, especially in someone with untreated narcolepsy.

I’m finally on the pathway to getting treatment both for bipolar disorder and for narcolepsy, and hopefully they will both be effective quickly, although neurological and especially psychological treatments tend to take time to work out the fine details. I’m hopeful. I feel like we are finally on a path to understanding what is going on with me. I feel like I am finally treatable, and that it really is worth the effort in the end.

Mara Passio
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